Regrouping

Right, so it’s fair to say that my blogging over the past few months has been pretty poor. It’s now almost the end of December and my last blog post was in October. Shocking. Obviously a lot has happened since then and I have a lot to update. I had started putting together ‘how-to’ guides over the past few weeks (as was my original plan when moving over here) but they’ve never actually materialised thanks to my erratic schedule. I’m annoyed with myself for letting this slip but now I fully intend to made amends.

Where to start…

So not too long after I started looking for a job, I landed a social media role at an advertising agency in Milsons Point – just across the harbour bridge and next to Luna Park. A couple of weeks later I got the hell out of the hostel (which I had started referring to as purgatory), moved into an apartment in Bondi and I have never looked back. That was 2 months ago.

So much has happened since then, I don’t even know where to begin - I’ll have to relay the stories gradually over the coming weeks. One thing I have noticed that’s happened though is that my focus has slipped. Having got swept up in the world of having a job, actually being able to afford things and having a proper social circle again, I’ve found that I haven’t really achieved much. Or at least, I haven’t achieved what I set out to achieve. I’m not saying I haven’t had fun, far from it, but I look at my bucket list (and the various other lists I’ve made since arriving) and there’s not much I can check off.

When I made the decision to move to Sydney I was at a low point, and although it wasn’t the best time of my life, the decisions and ambitions I had at that time were 100% ‘me’. Since settling into Sydney working life I feel like I’ve started losing that ‘me’ because I’ve been swept up in it all. I barely run anymore, I’m always out and I’m constantly drinking. I’ve had mid-week hangovers more times than I care to remember, and that really is not the ‘me’ I wanted to become when moving over here.

So as much fun as it’s all been, I’m now deciding to make a change. Since finishing for Christmas I’ve been running again, exploring new places, trying to get my healthy balanced diet back (ie. no dinners made purely from alcohol) and I already feel better for it. I’ve also planned out and budgeted so I can actually do the things on my various lists - which will hopefully stop me carelessly spending money, keep me active and stop me from wasting my time here.

This week I’ve been reminded of how quickly the time you thought you had can be taken away from you, and I don’t want to be one of those “I wish I’d done this, that or the other” people. I’m very aware that I may only be in Australia for a year (although I’m hoping this is not that case) and so time is of the essence. I’ve made a lot of sacrifices to be here and I don’t want to look back with any kind of regrets.

Doing the Possimpible*

[*Where the possible and impossible meet. When you go beyond the possible and beyond the impossible.]

A few weeks ago I mused over the concept of everyone being headed towards a metaphorical boulder which would eventually cross your path and metaphorically squish you against a wall meaning you metaphorically had to cut your own arm off in order to survive. Basically the idea was that we’re all heading for something and, even if it’s bad, the process of encountering it and coping with its consequences will allow us to gain some form of clarity.

In my case I think this ‘boulder’, the thing that has squashed me and rendered me unable to move, has been my stalling career. In a similar (and yet completely different) way to Aron Ralston getting pinned against a canyon wall, I have found myself stuck and being creatively suffocated by the career path fate or whatever has dealt me.

Over the last two years or so, the majority of my spare time has been taken up with searching and applying for jobs. With the majority of things I’ve gone for, my experience has paled into insignificance against rival candidates. That’s the trouble with a recession – you simply can’t compete with people who have however many years of experience on top of yours. With others I’ve either made it through to the last two only to lose out at the final hurdle or, the most soul destroying of the bunch, I’ve been rejected for being “too experienced”. Needless to say, I’m sick of it. I’ve become accustomed to taking rejection with a pinch of salt and you can call me crazy but this is not living the dream. I am at Frustration Central with a one-way, non-refundable ticket to Nowhereville.

But on a brighter note, I reckon this whole process has been a blessing in disguise. I’ve been able to base myself in London, living with two of my best friends and, even though I’m not well paid, last summer I managed to save enough money to skedaddle off to the States for a few weeks of indulging myself in the wonders of Utah, Arizona, Nevada and California. Most significantly though, during this time I’ve been able to figure out what is and isn’t working for me, what I actually want from life and what things I truly value.

For example, I now know that living to work means far more to me than working to live. I know some people are perfectly happy doing a job they don’t particularly enjoy and living for the weekend, but it just isn’t something that works for me. It doesn’t make me happy and going on like this for the rest of my working life will slowly drain my soul. Apparently I need more than a pay check - I need to follow my goals and dreams.

For most people it seems that life goals and dreams are simply that: out of reach notions saved for fantasising over when drunkenly staring at the bottom of an empty glass or discussing what we’ll do when our lottery numbers finally come up. In all honesty that’s what they’ve always been to me, only I’m not really sure why. Surely the whole point of having a dream is to motivate you and give you something to work towards?

I’ve come to the conclusion that even if I follow the widely-accepted route of having a career, getting married and having two kids by the time I’m 35, I know I’m still going to have unfulfilled ambitions, and at this point it’ll be too late to follow them. The last thing I want is to resent my kids, have a mid-life crisis and be one of those bitter people who harps on about how they wish they’d done this, that and the other when they had the chance.

Anyway, the fact of the matter is that I am and have been unsettled since I graduated. I’m not content being where I am in life and I’m certainly not ok with not achieving anything I deem to be of worth. So I've decided to actually follow one of my dreams. It’s something I’d originally planned to do when I was older, had more money to play with and possibly had some kind of boyfriendy-slash-husbandy-type-thing to share it with. But having fallen quite comfortably into my Quarter Century Crisis I figure I don’t need anyone else to be able to do it, I can save up and there’s no time like the present!

I’ve got my visa, I’ve booked my flight and in August I’m moving to Sydney where I intend to spend a year. After that, the world is my oyster. BOOM!

Me in Sydney circa 2005

The Quarter Century Crisis

A few weeks ago I turned 25… twenty five… a quarter of a century. Half way to fifty. Almost half way to si… si… six… no I can’t physically say it. 

When I was 18, if you’d have asked me where I thought I’d be at 25 I would’ve said the following: I would be settled in one place, probably renting somewhere to live, maybe have a car, and be on the second or third rung of my desired career ladder. Or… I’d have been run over and killed by a reversing milk float at some point and would not have made it this far. Luckily I’ve not had any run-ins with any milk floats, but I also couldn’t be further from any of those things I imagined for myself. And so beings my… *said in the style of a game show host* Quarter Century Crisis!

When I turned 25 a few weeks ago, rather than indulging in the usual ‘oh-no-I’m-another-year-older’ birthday woes or celebrating reaching this landmark age, I found myself feeling genuinely upset and disheartened at my levels of non-achievement. Having gained my dream job at the age of 18 I thought I was set. Being granted such a phenomenal opportunity at such a young age would stand me in good stead for the future - how could it not work to my advantage? Flash forward seven years (my god, has it really been that long?!) and my CV shows that with every decision and job I have taken since that point has been a step backwards. 

Over the next year or so most of my friends will gradually be hitting the quarter century mark. A lot of them are also in the process of making some pretty life-changing decisions; some are moving in with girlfriends or boyfriends, some are getting married and some are having kids. Others are simply changing their career paths or taking steps to get closer to that dream job. Whatever it is they’re doing it’s all change and I can’t help but notice that we’re all at a pivotal point in our lives where we start to decide, either consciously or subconsciously, who it is we are and what we want to be.

All this has made me think back to when I was 18 and why I imagined all those things for myself. I’m not sure it was really what I wanted, but more of a generic response that tallied up with the ‘school-uni-job-marriage-kids’ model that we have drummed into us as being ‘the norm’… which I think is the reason I spent the week or so surrounding my birthday feeling so despondent and upset. I didn’t fit into the generic model and I felt like I’d failed the basic steps of growing up.

It’s only a few weeks later, but I now realise just how ridiculous it was to feel like that. It’s bizarre to believe that everyone has to follow this generic life plan and it’s stupid to compare yourself to those who have decided to follow it. What’s right for one person is completely wrong for another – and I wish I’d properly figured that out a lot sooner.

Throughout my teenage years I’d never really wanted to go to university. I’d always thought of it as something for people who wanted to do something specific like become a geologist, doctor, vet or whatever. But I never wanted any of that for myself so I was never fussed about going. Of course I ended up going because that’s the direction schools herd you in. They feed you the idea that a degree = success and without one you’ll fail. We were simply given our UCAS forms and that was that. I filled one out, flicked through prospectus after prospectus and finally chose my Uni because it did the course I wanted and I knew there was an Olde English sweet shop in the city.

In an attempt to put it off for another year I took a gap year and almost instantly landed myself my dream job. A year later, when it came round to heading off to Uni, I’d made up my mind and decided to give it a go despite being offered a job; I’d had my taste of the working world, loved it and believed a degree would enhance my employability… what I didn’t realise was that I already had what the degree was allegedly going to get me and my choice to go with the generic option would probably decrease my employability. Which is exactly what it did do. Oops.

I refuse to regret my years at Uni though. I made some life-long friends who have changed me for the better and experienced things which allow me to appreciate all that I have today. When I look at my network of friends it’s pretty clear that we’re all in completely different places - both literally and in life. I have single friends, married friends, a couple have children already, a few are pregnant and others are still studying; and just because I don’t match up to them doesn’t mean I’ve failed. And more significantly, at this point I don’t even want most of those things!

I know I’m not in the place I want to be in, I’m not even close. But that’s ok. For the last few years I’ve been constantly chasing my career in the hope of settling myself and fitting into this preconceived model that everyone’s supposed to follow. What I’ve come to realise is that maybe I’m not supposed to be settled in a career at this point, maybe the recession is giving me and my generation the opportunity to experience something different from ‘the norm’, and maybe us ‘failures’ should all start listening to what the universe is telling us. 

To be honest I don’t have a clue. Some psychologist would probably say I’m just convincing myself that my situation isn’t as bad as it actually is. But whatever the real deal is, the fact is that I’ve reached 25 and am in a far worse-off situation than when I was 18, and this has made me realise one thing: we need to actively follow our ambitions while we’re young. Yes, a career offers you stability and guarantees food on the table, but if I got hit by that bloody milk float tomorrow I wouldn’t regret not having a career, I would regret having put off my goals and ambitions because I was too scared to break from ‘the norm’.

I know so many people who talk about their plans to go places and to achieve certain life or career goals, but then always give an excuse not to do it. I’m not denying that in some cases life gets in the way but in most cases I’ve come across it’s just the simple fear of stepping outside your comfort zone and breaking routine that holds people back. I don’t want to be one of those people and I certainly don’t want to see in my 26^th birthday and still be chasing a half decent job.

So if you really want to do something, then I say do it. We all have the power and means to make things happen so what’s stopping us? I’m choosing to listen to the universe. At the moment a career is a massive NO so I’m opting for super-secret and potentially stupid Plan B. There are a gazillion reasons things may not work out and a bunch of things that could (and probably will) go wrong, but that’s all part of the adventure isn’t it?

Right. Time to balance out the philosophical nonsense. Here's an educational sing-along exercise to brighten your day... all together now... "C is for cookie and that's good enough for meeeeee!"