Doing the Possimpible*

[*Where the possible and impossible meet. When you go beyond the possible and beyond the impossible.]

A few weeks ago I mused over the concept of everyone being headed towards a metaphorical boulder which would eventually cross your path and metaphorically squish you against a wall meaning you metaphorically had to cut your own arm off in order to survive. Basically the idea was that we’re all heading for something and, even if it’s bad, the process of encountering it and coping with its consequences will allow us to gain some form of clarity.

In my case I think this ‘boulder’, the thing that has squashed me and rendered me unable to move, has been my stalling career. In a similar (and yet completely different) way to Aron Ralston getting pinned against a canyon wall, I have found myself stuck and being creatively suffocated by the career path fate or whatever has dealt me.

Over the last two years or so, the majority of my spare time has been taken up with searching and applying for jobs. With the majority of things I’ve gone for, my experience has paled into insignificance against rival candidates. That’s the trouble with a recession – you simply can’t compete with people who have however many years of experience on top of yours. With others I’ve either made it through to the last two only to lose out at the final hurdle or, the most soul destroying of the bunch, I’ve been rejected for being “too experienced”. Needless to say, I’m sick of it. I’ve become accustomed to taking rejection with a pinch of salt and you can call me crazy but this is not living the dream. I am at Frustration Central with a one-way, non-refundable ticket to Nowhereville.

But on a brighter note, I reckon this whole process has been a blessing in disguise. I’ve been able to base myself in London, living with two of my best friends and, even though I’m not well paid, last summer I managed to save enough money to skedaddle off to the States for a few weeks of indulging myself in the wonders of Utah, Arizona, Nevada and California. Most significantly though, during this time I’ve been able to figure out what is and isn’t working for me, what I actually want from life and what things I truly value.

For example, I now know that living to work means far more to me than working to live. I know some people are perfectly happy doing a job they don’t particularly enjoy and living for the weekend, but it just isn’t something that works for me. It doesn’t make me happy and going on like this for the rest of my working life will slowly drain my soul. Apparently I need more than a pay check - I need to follow my goals and dreams.

For most people it seems that life goals and dreams are simply that: out of reach notions saved for fantasising over when drunkenly staring at the bottom of an empty glass or discussing what we’ll do when our lottery numbers finally come up. In all honesty that’s what they’ve always been to me, only I’m not really sure why. Surely the whole point of having a dream is to motivate you and give you something to work towards?

I’ve come to the conclusion that even if I follow the widely-accepted route of having a career, getting married and having two kids by the time I’m 35, I know I’m still going to have unfulfilled ambitions, and at this point it’ll be too late to follow them. The last thing I want is to resent my kids, have a mid-life crisis and be one of those bitter people who harps on about how they wish they’d done this, that and the other when they had the chance.

Anyway, the fact of the matter is that I am and have been unsettled since I graduated. I’m not content being where I am in life and I’m certainly not ok with not achieving anything I deem to be of worth. So I've decided to actually follow one of my dreams. It’s something I’d originally planned to do when I was older, had more money to play with and possibly had some kind of boyfriendy-slash-husbandy-type-thing to share it with. But having fallen quite comfortably into my Quarter Century Crisis I figure I don’t need anyone else to be able to do it, I can save up and there’s no time like the present!

I’ve got my visa, I’ve booked my flight and in August I’m moving to Sydney where I intend to spend a year. After that, the world is my oyster. BOOM!

Me in Sydney circa 2005

Between a Rock and a Hard Place

[Disclaimer: I am about to go all deep and thoughtful on you. You have been warned.]

A week or so ago I dragged one of my wussy best partners in crime to see Danny Boyle's 127 Hours. I read the book a few years ago and couldn't put it down (one of the very few I've made it past the first few pages of), so I was itching to see the on-screen version. The partner in crime, on the other hand, is still emotionally scarred from watching The Sixth Sense 11 years ago and was jumping and cowering before the trailers even started. But it's all good. She endured it, I loved it and we both went home happy... or at least I went home happy and she went home and couldn't sleep.

Anyway, there's a line in the book which didn't really resonate with me until I heard it again in the film. As Aron contemplates his grim situation he comes out with this little gem: "This rock has been waiting for me my entire life. I’ve been moving towards it my whole life." I don't know why this made such an impact on my tiny brain, especially as when he said it my partner in crime was unsuccessfully attempting to sneak off to the nearest exit, but it did. What an awesome thought.

Over the past few weeks I've been seriously thinking about what I actually want from life and have realised that for the last two years I haven't had a clue what I'm doing. For one reason or another 2009 was pretty much written off as far as clear and practical thinking goes and 2010 was spent trying to gain any form of stability possible. But now I think about it, I'm not sure if my intentions were based on what I actually wanted or what I thought I needed. Hmm. Going back to the rock though... it made me wonder - does everyone have a rock they're heading towards? Obviously not an actual rock but a metaphorical one (unless you're one of the 0.00001% of people who will get stuck under a boulder and actually have to cut a limb off in order to survive... remember to always have your Swiss Army knife on you just in case).

I guess the metaphorical rock could be different things, or maybe even a series of things, to different people - a job, location, friend, 'the one', or maybe even an actual boulder. But whatever it is to you, you’re always moving towards it… which is quite a hopeful thought is it not? I reckon it’s quite comforting to know that whatever you're searching for is gradually getting closer by the second! Even if you achieve nothing in a whole day you're still that little bit closer, and even if you spend two years skipping about pretending everything is under complete control, it's not necessarily wasted time.

I think I'm slowly starting to realise what I currently want from life and what I personally want to achieve for myself. Luckily I haven't had to slowly saw my own arm off with a blunt knife in order to realise it, but I reckon without going through the past two years the way I have done, I wouldn't be realising it all now. I’m a firm believer in ‘whatever will be will be’ and in this instance I believe that the rock I’m currently moving towards has always been working towards me. I realise that makes no sense to anyone reading this as I haven’t actually divulged what it is I’m talking about, but all will be revealed in the goodness of time.

Basically what I’m saying is that to those of you who are monotonously job searching, frustrated with your current situation or having to deal with the fallout of other peoples selfish actions, just think... there's a boulder out there just waiting to fall on you, every day it gets closer and when it eventually squashes you against a canyon wall its going to give you hope and change your life for the better. Unless it’s an actual boulder in an actual canyon… but, hey - now that you’ve read this you’ll have your Swiss Army knife on you, and it'll all be gravy!

Right. End of seriousness. Here’s something amusing and yet thoroughly heartbreaking to lighten the mood: