Regrouping

Right, so it’s fair to say that my blogging over the past few months has been pretty poor. It’s now almost the end of December and my last blog post was in October. Shocking. Obviously a lot has happened since then and I have a lot to update. I had started putting together ‘how-to’ guides over the past few weeks (as was my original plan when moving over here) but they’ve never actually materialised thanks to my erratic schedule. I’m annoyed with myself for letting this slip but now I fully intend to made amends.

Where to start…

So not too long after I started looking for a job, I landed a social media role at an advertising agency in Milsons Point – just across the harbour bridge and next to Luna Park. A couple of weeks later I got the hell out of the hostel (which I had started referring to as purgatory), moved into an apartment in Bondi and I have never looked back. That was 2 months ago.

So much has happened since then, I don’t even know where to begin - I’ll have to relay the stories gradually over the coming weeks. One thing I have noticed that’s happened though is that my focus has slipped. Having got swept up in the world of having a job, actually being able to afford things and having a proper social circle again, I’ve found that I haven’t really achieved much. Or at least, I haven’t achieved what I set out to achieve. I’m not saying I haven’t had fun, far from it, but I look at my bucket list (and the various other lists I’ve made since arriving) and there’s not much I can check off.

When I made the decision to move to Sydney I was at a low point, and although it wasn’t the best time of my life, the decisions and ambitions I had at that time were 100% ‘me’. Since settling into Sydney working life I feel like I’ve started losing that ‘me’ because I’ve been swept up in it all. I barely run anymore, I’m always out and I’m constantly drinking. I’ve had mid-week hangovers more times than I care to remember, and that really is not the ‘me’ I wanted to become when moving over here.

So as much fun as it’s all been, I’m now deciding to make a change. Since finishing for Christmas I’ve been running again, exploring new places, trying to get my healthy balanced diet back (ie. no dinners made purely from alcohol) and I already feel better for it. I’ve also planned out and budgeted so I can actually do the things on my various lists - which will hopefully stop me carelessly spending money, keep me active and stop me from wasting my time here.

This week I’ve been reminded of how quickly the time you thought you had can be taken away from you, and I don’t want to be one of those “I wish I’d done this, that or the other” people. I’m very aware that I may only be in Australia for a year (although I’m hoping this is not that case) and so time is of the essence. I’ve made a lot of sacrifices to be here and I don’t want to look back with any kind of regrets.

Doing the Possimpible*

[*Where the possible and impossible meet. When you go beyond the possible and beyond the impossible.]

A few weeks ago I mused over the concept of everyone being headed towards a metaphorical boulder which would eventually cross your path and metaphorically squish you against a wall meaning you metaphorically had to cut your own arm off in order to survive. Basically the idea was that we’re all heading for something and, even if it’s bad, the process of encountering it and coping with its consequences will allow us to gain some form of clarity.

In my case I think this ‘boulder’, the thing that has squashed me and rendered me unable to move, has been my stalling career. In a similar (and yet completely different) way to Aron Ralston getting pinned against a canyon wall, I have found myself stuck and being creatively suffocated by the career path fate or whatever has dealt me.

Over the last two years or so, the majority of my spare time has been taken up with searching and applying for jobs. With the majority of things I’ve gone for, my experience has paled into insignificance against rival candidates. That’s the trouble with a recession – you simply can’t compete with people who have however many years of experience on top of yours. With others I’ve either made it through to the last two only to lose out at the final hurdle or, the most soul destroying of the bunch, I’ve been rejected for being “too experienced”. Needless to say, I’m sick of it. I’ve become accustomed to taking rejection with a pinch of salt and you can call me crazy but this is not living the dream. I am at Frustration Central with a one-way, non-refundable ticket to Nowhereville.

But on a brighter note, I reckon this whole process has been a blessing in disguise. I’ve been able to base myself in London, living with two of my best friends and, even though I’m not well paid, last summer I managed to save enough money to skedaddle off to the States for a few weeks of indulging myself in the wonders of Utah, Arizona, Nevada and California. Most significantly though, during this time I’ve been able to figure out what is and isn’t working for me, what I actually want from life and what things I truly value.

For example, I now know that living to work means far more to me than working to live. I know some people are perfectly happy doing a job they don’t particularly enjoy and living for the weekend, but it just isn’t something that works for me. It doesn’t make me happy and going on like this for the rest of my working life will slowly drain my soul. Apparently I need more than a pay check - I need to follow my goals and dreams.

For most people it seems that life goals and dreams are simply that: out of reach notions saved for fantasising over when drunkenly staring at the bottom of an empty glass or discussing what we’ll do when our lottery numbers finally come up. In all honesty that’s what they’ve always been to me, only I’m not really sure why. Surely the whole point of having a dream is to motivate you and give you something to work towards?

I’ve come to the conclusion that even if I follow the widely-accepted route of having a career, getting married and having two kids by the time I’m 35, I know I’m still going to have unfulfilled ambitions, and at this point it’ll be too late to follow them. The last thing I want is to resent my kids, have a mid-life crisis and be one of those bitter people who harps on about how they wish they’d done this, that and the other when they had the chance.

Anyway, the fact of the matter is that I am and have been unsettled since I graduated. I’m not content being where I am in life and I’m certainly not ok with not achieving anything I deem to be of worth. So I've decided to actually follow one of my dreams. It’s something I’d originally planned to do when I was older, had more money to play with and possibly had some kind of boyfriendy-slash-husbandy-type-thing to share it with. But having fallen quite comfortably into my Quarter Century Crisis I figure I don’t need anyone else to be able to do it, I can save up and there’s no time like the present!

I’ve got my visa, I’ve booked my flight and in August I’m moving to Sydney where I intend to spend a year. After that, the world is my oyster. BOOM!

Me in Sydney circa 2005