A few weeks ago I mused over the concept of everyone being headed towards a metaphorical boulder which would eventually cross your path and metaphorically squish you against a wall meaning you metaphorically had to cut your own arm off in order to survive. Basically the idea was that we’re all heading for something and, even if it’s bad, the process of encountering it and coping with its consequences will allow us to gain some form of clarity.
In my case I think this ‘boulder’, the thing that has squashed me and rendered me unable to move, has been my stalling career. In a similar (and yet completely different) way to Aron Ralston getting pinned against a canyon wall, I have found myself stuck and being creatively suffocated by the career path fate or whatever has dealt me.
Over the last two years or so, the majority of my spare time has been taken up with searching and applying for jobs. With the majority of things I’ve gone for, my experience has paled into insignificance against rival candidates. That’s the trouble with a recession – you simply can’t compete with people who have however many years of experience on top of yours. With others I’ve either made it through to the last two only to lose out at the final hurdle or, the most soul destroying of the bunch, I’ve been rejected for being “too experienced”. Needless to say, I’m sick of it. I’ve become accustomed to taking rejection with a pinch of salt and you can call me crazy but this is not living the dream. I am at Frustration Central with a one-way, non-refundable ticket to Nowhereville.
But on a brighter note, I reckon this whole process has been a blessing in disguise. I’ve been able to base myself in London, living with two of my best friends and, even though I’m not well paid, last summer I managed to save enough money to skedaddle off to the States for a few weeks of indulging myself in the wonders of Utah, Arizona, Nevada and California. Most significantly though, during this time I’ve been able to figure out what is and isn’t working for me, what I actually want from life and what things I truly value.
For example, I now know that living to work means far more to me than working to live. I know some people are perfectly happy doing a job they don’t particularly enjoy and living for the weekend, but it just isn’t something that works for me. It doesn’t make me happy and going on like this for the rest of my working life will slowly drain my soul. Apparently I need more than a pay check - I need to follow my goals and dreams.
For most people it seems that life goals and dreams are simply that: out of reach notions saved for fantasising over when drunkenly staring at the bottom of an empty glass or discussing what we’ll do when our lottery numbers finally come up. In all honesty that’s what they’ve always been to me, only I’m not really sure why. Surely the whole point of having a dream is to motivate you and give you something to work towards?
I’ve come to the conclusion that even if I follow the widely-accepted route of having a career, getting married and having two kids by the time I’m 35, I know I’m still going to have unfulfilled ambitions, and at this point it’ll be too late to follow them. The last thing I want is to resent my kids, have a mid-life crisis and be one of those bitter people who harps on about how they wish they’d done this, that and the other when they had the chance.
Anyway, the fact of the matter is that I am and have been unsettled since I graduated. I’m not content being where I am in life and I’m certainly not ok with not achieving anything I deem to be of worth. So I've decided to actually follow one of my dreams. It’s something I’d originally planned to do when I was older, had more money to play with and possibly had some kind of boyfriendy-slash-husbandy-type-thing to share it with. But having fallen quite comfortably into my Quarter Century Crisis I figure I don’t need anyone else to be able to do it, I can save up and there’s no time like the present!
I’ve got my visa, I’ve booked my flight and in August I’m moving to Sydney where I intend to spend a year. After that, the world is my oyster. BOOM!
Me in Sydney circa 2005
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